I Hate Dating!!

I've always been told never to say that I hate something but well I have to admit that I really do hate dating. No I don't hate all types of dating but the dating that feels like an audition rather than a friendship. Now I do not have a ton of experience in this area and actually I tend to run the other way if there is an attractive man in the same room as me- the reason I run is because I just hate dating and I don't even want to allow room for the opportunity for a date!

The last 2 guys I "dated" (and I use the word dating loosely) felt more like I was being auditioned for the perfect wife role. I had such a hard time being myself because I didn't know these guys and I was forced into being in intimate settings with them and to share my life and my feelings with them. It was so difficult for me and my walls were up very high. I felt uncomfortable the whole time and it became so exhausting! I desired to build more of a friendship with these guys but they were both pretty insistent on talking and acting as more than friends- which I am very bad at. I would freeze up and not be myself. I think that both guys got glimpses of who I am but they in no way saw the real Jenny. Neither of them stuck around long enough to allow me to put my walls down to show them who I really am.

This really bothers me and haunts me because I so love connecting with people and building relationships- it is a huge value to me. When I struggled in connecting and feeling comfortable with the first guy I kind of shrugged it off because well let's just say that guy was everything but a wonderful Godly and mature man, but when I had the same type of issues with the second guy who was absolutely wonderful and incredible- my fears were confirmed.

I guess I would say that my ideal "dating" situation would be being friends with a guy and having shared experiences with him. I would love to be able to build the foundation of friendship in a community where I can see him interact with others and he could observe me as well. I would love to be able to go out with a guy for dinner not feeling like I am on an audition but because he has observed me being the ridiculous girl that I am and wanting to spend more time with me. Because I would be comfortable with him, I would be more able to be myself and feel safe to be more vulnerable. These previous dates I was so nervous and was just waiting for them to find something about me that they didn't like. I know that these insecurities are not all to blame on the guys but feeling analyzed and scrutinized to make sure I fit their qualifications or to make sure that I'm worth the pursuit or the distance or whatever it is certainly does not help a girl!

So, my conclusion in all of this is that the Lord will truly have to work a miracle in this area if He desires for me to be married. He would need to provide a very patient, loving, confident, and affirming man to minister to and befriend this insecure, quirky, independent woman! And at this point in my life- I could care less if he is taller than me- I've given up on that dream! ;)