It's been awhile...

I realize it has been quite awhile since I last posted. There are a couple of reasons for the delay but the biggest one is that I have been throwing myself quite the pity party recently. When I go through times like that I do the worst possible thing- I retreat away from God and from the people who need to be in my life to speak truth to me.

The pity party started a few weeks ago when I was visiting one of my best friends Amy in Charleston. Amy is a fellow single girl who is in her late 20's and is trusting God and choosing to hope in Him each day. I am so, so, so thankful that God has provided her friendship in a time of such struggle- that we can lean on each other and help point each other to God.
We were at church talking to a woman who is a bit older than us and involved in full-time ministry towards young women. The topic of singleness came up and she said some tertiary comment about how Amy and I are "Miss Independents" and "we don't know how lucky we are!" Comments like these happen a lot- even from close friends of mine who are married and have a family of their own. After her comments I decided that I would be vulnerable with her and share that while we enjoy being "independant women" our ultimate desire is to be wives and mothers. She then replied as so many married women do with the typical- just wait until you find the right one, it's not all perfect, it's harder then you think, blah blah blah. Just because God has not provided a husband for me does not mean that I am 5 years old and don't understand the things of the Lord. I don't think that this would upset me if this was the only time that this has happened to Amy or I but this is the constant response from married women who have no clue what it is like to struggle in this area. It really makes me not want to be vulnerable and share about this area with anyone because of how the responses usually are- it always comes across very demeaning and ultimately hurtful. So, I was thinking about the few women who actually do a great job encouraging and challenging me in this area and I thought that I would share a list of responses that I (and I think other single women) would appreciate hearing with hopes that they would walk away feeling challenged yet also respected and not talked down to by a married women who thinks that she has arrived while we're just waiting...

1) I don't understand why God hasn't provided this for you either but I am fighting for you in prayer over this- you're not alone

2) You are just as valued in this church as others (unfortunately church is the loneliest place for Christian singles) in fact- I would love for you to be on a leadership team.

3) I can see how this would be a struggle- we would love to have you over for dinner and have you be a part of our family

4) God is good and this is good for you in His wisdom- trust that, walk in it, and hope in Him alone. None of us understand but we are trusting Him for you.

5) Wow, a lot of people are in relationships around you. How is your heart in all of that? I would imagine that it would be a difficult place to be in. I will be praying for you.

6) Even though you don't have your own children I want for you to be involved in my children's lives because they can learn so much from you! (Someone actually told me this and it was one of the most encouraging things that I have ever been told- God has really used those words of encouragement in my life)

Now- things NOT to say-

1) Well, marriage is hard enough as it is- it is so important to wait for the right person to be married to (now while this is true, I have had many women say this to me in such a patronizing way that I could barely listen to the words coming out of their mouth)

2) Why don't you just go on e-harmony? (do i really have to explain why this is insulting?)

3) asking if I have a boy in my life EVERY TIME you talk to me (basically reinforcing that my life is worth nothing without a man in it- because THAT is the real news!)

4) Wow- you are so adventurous! I am so jealous of your life! (this coming from a married women who has a couple of kids- do i write that I am jealous of her life whenever she talks about her kids or amazing husband? no, then please don't tell me that you're jealous about my life. I'm not jealous- I would trade my "adventures" and disastruos dating stories for a family of my own any day)

5) so, there is this guy... ( just because he is a guy and single and close to my age does not mean that I am going to date him, in fact it has been extremely insulting to me some of the set-up dates people have wanted me to go on- see Panera Story)

6)You really should think about this guy and give him another chance- I mean who knows if there is anyone else out there- this might be your only chance. (thus, reinforcing that settling for a less than Godly man is worth settling than gasp being alone!)



Please feel free to add your own to either list. I hope that there will be more additions to the what to say list because we need women from all areas in our lives to do life with. I realize that this might come across a tad bitter but I don't want it to be like that. If I can help a woman who got married right after college or even while she was in college and doesn't understand what little support I and other single women have and this helps her to love on others like me then I am happy that I wrote this.

I am so thankful for the handful of women who God has given me to speak into my life and challenge me. They don't shy away from me and these struggles- they step into them with me and this is such a blessing for my soul. I am excited to be able to minister to other women in my position the way that I have been ministered to.

Ultimately the Lord is the One to whom we look for for EVERYTHING! For He himself is our peace (Ephesians 2:14) and He himself is our only hope- the kind of hope that is sure and secure (Hebrews 6:19) and not dependant on marital statuses or how nice the women at church are.